cody_is_stupid

You look really gorgeous in those pictures that you sent me. I miss you and I love you. You never told me your dad actually lost his job but since he hated it anyway I think it will turn out for the best. Today on the radio I heard an interview with the guy who was second in command of the Iraqi airforce under Saddam. I think he said he started in the 70's or the 80's, anyway he had many direct dealing with Saddam and was one of his top advisors. He said that Saddam specifically wanted to destroy Israel and that in 1992 or so all of the biological and chemical weapons that Saddam possessed were shipped into Syria. I wish I could remeber his name but it was a long one. I know he has written a book but I don't know what its called. I should go to sleep now goodnight.

Tired, watched ninja scroll with pat and it was cool then I came here and now I'll shall rest. Last night i had a dream that i was being chased by a terrible creature. I ran through Rockwellesque scenes with this behemoth right behind me. i remeber making my last stand on top of a rolling meadow with the evening breeze bending the grass and the sun fearful of the battle to come slunk behind the hills. The creature hastened toward me in the distance and i think I remeber being afraid. Sadly, my alarm then went off so I don't know what happened.

I too am having a "meditative day" I am really trying to focus myself on certain things. That is, things I am curently doing, like training. I still feel weak and tired all the time but I am consciously maintaining a positive attitude. In my life's experience with my emotions effects on my body has been dwelling in sadness builds nothing. When your mind is closed to possibly changing who you think you are at any given time in your life then you begin to die before your body gives out. I want to believe that always being open, flowing, and willing to change how you present yourself to the world. We should remain flexible not only in body but in mind and soul as well. I have been and sometimes still am locked in to how I think CODY should appear to the world. From the time that i was 13 and until about a year and a half ago I was stuck. I didn't know how I should present myself to the world. I felt as if I was lying whenever I spoke, trying to make THEM think I'm something I don't think I am. As a result, for many years I set myself into a "nothing" persona. I pretended to care about nothing and acted in such away not to offend any one around me. I had convinced myself that i was nothing. I tried to reflect what people saw when they looked at me. Or so I had thought, what I have come to realize now is that most people(in my experience)seem to doubt themselves. They exhibit behaviours that reveal their uncertainties about who they really are at that time in their lives. Why are we uncertain? I think its because our first opinions about who we are come from outside of ourselves. My first opinion came from a family full of bitterness and regret. I was raised by people who question their own worth and despair at their "lot" in life. It is never really to late to change who you are or the direction your life is headed. Its ok to question but their is a difference in my mind between question and doubt. Doubting ulitimately stems from fear, possibly fear of change. What I've come to realized in my subjective experience that others opinions of who you are and what you should be doing with your life do not matter. All that I try to focus on is amking sure that I carry no shame for my actions or regret my actions. I have learned that if I want the world to believe in me I first needed to look into the mirror and say "They are wrong about you." (I still think drugs are beneficial to society.

My head is swimming, a sickness invades my body just as I start a class that runs 9 hours a day. This is gonna be a long week. I worked out so hard I threw up yesterday, so...........yeah I'm pretty proud about that its the first time thats happened. I don't have the inspiration to elaborate on my inner thoughts right now.

I am on the til end of a long drive back from Florida with my father. We went down for just a couple days to help my grandmother move. Actually, Florida is really nice but a couple days with my grandmother is all I can take she is so stubborn and old-fashioned that talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. Just for my own amusement I try to tell her the historical truth concerning the bible and she just refuses to listen I figure anyone interested in God would like to hear how the notion came into being. I know they don't want to hear the truth really but I tell them anyway just to put a crack in the glass house that they live in. I also try to explain to her that Bush as well as Kerry is a liar and a thief. I take my opinion from actual quotes from him revealing that he knew about 911 in advance which means it was allowed to happen so they could start the war to oust Saddam and replace him with another political puppet. It's all about money what don't they understand? Yes, I voted for Bush!!!!!!! You know why? Because I WANT chaos to happen in the world and he is the perfect vector for that chaos. In order for their to be a change in the way people look at their world we must destroy the establishment built on lies of subversion. Remember people the truth exists we do not need to invent or alter it, then it is just a favorable lie. Everything happens for a reason in this world and the truth of that, whether we like it or not, is what it is. Chaos is the herald of change and I feel we need a change desperately the few have been using the many to live easy lives for too long. I digress however, I really just want to be free to live my life and to love Anja. I miss you Anja, sooooo much I have done nothing but hurry my dad home faster so I could be with you again. We drove twelve hours yesterday at my insistence and ten today until we reached dad's friends house. Today is sunday and we'll be home tomorrow. I just want to hold you.

Do not be fooled into to thinking you have freedom of choice in anything everything we have is selcted for us based on its compatability with waht the system is trying to feed us. Republican or Democrat? They are two sides of the same coin flipped by a group of hands with only one interest in mind.........themselves. Think, how can they tell you to be yourself while at the same time subliminally advocating fitting in. Don't fall prey to labeling yourself one thing or the other jock, goth, geek, black , white, gay, straight, rich, poor, slacker, smoker, non-smoker; well you get the idea none of that shit fuckin matters thats the game they paly they adavance their goals through creating oppostion among the populace. We're too concerned with frivolous shit like clothes, hair, whether Brittney Spears is pregnant or not, or what's on T.V. NONE OF THAT FUCKING MATTERS WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND????? HAS THE FLOURIDE SO COMPLETELY ROTTED YOUR MINDS SO YOU CAN'T OPEN YOUR BLIND EYES AND SEE THAT WE'RE BEING USED!!!!!!!!!! (sigh) It doesn't have to be this way we have to forget what we have been taught and actually learn! We have to take the first step they cannot hold us down forever eventually the socialist order will collapse upon itself even if we just sit here like we are now. But why not have it happen in all of our life times? I don't know sometimes if feel like giving up and watching God-damned, fucking stupid-ass, waste of time American Idol with the rest of you, fuck!

Everything always seems to spin out of control only to wobble slowly back into place just before you can figure out what's wrong. I would give anything for telepathy, everything for empathy, goodbye to apathy I care to much now. Nothing but endless avenues every where you turn, wondering what happen's when you take your next step? Will you fall or will you rise? I guess it only matters if you have the courage to believe in yourself anyway. I know I sure as hell don't. I just don't know what to do any more with what life throws at me.

Pondering the notion that somewhere out ther absolutely nothing exists. Can this be possble? Something has to fill nothing absolute nothinf cannot be and yet we have a symbol for it does having a symbol make it something though? Everyone whomay read this stop looking at your stupid screen close your blind eyes and picture nothing. Can you? Picture absolute, infinite, emptiness in the space between galaxies. Is there and end and if so what is on the other side of the end? Maybe the dimensions just run adjacent to one another forever. Maybe I need a new hobby?

Those who are truly happy are like leaves being blown in the wind. Carelessly floating through the air waiting for the next gust of life to spin them around. Never sitting, never stagnant, if they are still it is with purpose. They see all unclouded but do not dwell on any idea or notion, save their own wayward travels. The majority of our population are like rooted plants always trying to outgrow each other. They are held down by what they would call common sense, in reality, they are their own prisoners. They have driven their roots deep into convention and even the soil may not suit them they are too stubborn to reach thier branches to the forrest rim. They grow an die uneventfully, the seasons pass them by without note and the world turns without their notice. Finally there are the wraiths of human kind, individuals of a depraved state of mind that by its very nature distiguishes them from the pack. They only posses one feeling on their own; envy. They seek what others have and attach themselves to it fastidiously draining it from their host. They are truly the parasites of our kind. They gain happiness only by taking it from others or by condescending those around them. These moments of ill gotten mirth are short lived however and are always replaced by longing and greed. They are the true prisoners.

Anja is back! yaaaaaaaay

Today I both opened and closed at Hannaford. Without my Anja next to me I had to keep my mind occupied from missing you. So I leave the store and drive toward campus but as I reach it I just drive by so I smoked a little. But, I just kept driving along I didn't have a reason to go back to the campus. Everyone is going to some stupid basketball party tonight. Mo thinks he can get me to dance! ridiculous Anyway, I came back but instead of going inside I just walked off into the darkness. I felt like I was lost and indeed I was I didn't want to see or talk to anybody. Eventually I came here to write it all down on this for you baby. So now I'm in the 24hr room listening to the German kid and his stupid girlfriend talk about nothing. Thinking about how you are so much better than any other person I know. I love you I'm just gonna go back to my room and play video games until I have to go to sleep. I have to get up at 7a.m. tomorrow anyway. I hope that I don't have to deal with any stupid drunk people tonight, sigh. I miss you! I hope you are having fun, cody(high)

Cowardice and weakness haunt me today they are always in my shadow not a footfall behind whispering my demise amongst themselves just beyond my hearing. I hate them

I read some entries from the people of the world, people I don't know and I just wish that i had the power to destroy everything in my sight to bring this worthless distracted world to its knees and slice its jugular and let it filth bleed into the soil. I want to condemn these humans and their organic meat sacs to ashes with but a thought...kill...maim...destroy....and then she kissed me and I forgot about them for the moment and was content in my own moment. Precious, you make my hatred for the world dissappear, I love you.

Forgive me when I am quite and I'm sorry when I sleep. My mind gets lost in the eternal fog of thought sometimes and I can't escape but through the sound of your voice. This world sometimes bogs me down and my tires spin in its peoples insolence. I seek perfection and through you, with you I shall achieve it. My mind will open like a flower and my words will cut through fallacy like a blade. Who says you need wings to fly, when my feet are already off the ground. Emotions reanimate this organic machine and yet I can't wait for the day when all that is left is the pure energy of conciousness. Only then will we experience the trueness of bonding as one mind.

The all seeing eye it seems a strange set of coincidences, each turn leaves me face to eye with knowledge. Someday I hope to view the world from its perspective that is, what the symbol stands for. It stands for knowledge, it is a symbol of the learned ones, the few "illuminated" human beings among us. One of the things I wonder continuously is how does one achieve enlightenment? In this society I guess its hard to find an appropriate example. However, to me even those with placid faces and demure smiles must have an essence of discontent in them somewhere. It seems that it takes along time to transcend to another plane of existence especially if you don't know what that feels like. I suppose the argument could be made that once you're their you know. I suppose that's possible but if that is the case, I am very far away. I have much more time though. (high)

I am here with Anja and all is well in my world. It is cold outside and we are warm within. They are mad outside but we are happy despite them. The future is our rising sun precious one and on its amber rays we walk into oblivion hand in hand. May that sun's light never lose us.

I feel like a piece of shit today. But I am going to eat soon but I am already full of anger. There is no constant there is only turmoil in my mind everything is like a weight crushing my soul. I hate my reflection and I hate my failures

Solar lasers! terror from the skies! to the forrest with us!

I am the tree with roots out of the ground, toppled by branches filled with dreams to heavy to carry now In the suns light I die never to have my dreams reach up into the sky I am the worm under the soil churning, chewing making things fertile but not on purpose I am the river running through the forrest with no where to go but forward and no purpose for it I am the wind making its lonely noise against your walls, shaking the foundation of humanities hallowed halls I am the fire that always feeds burning things to ash crumbling to their knees I am an infant who has not learned to talk I babble nonsense comes out with a squawk I am hate inside and love within a war within me rages one I cannot win I look up at the sky and wish I was their sometimes I watch the world and wish I didn't care I am a shadow I follow behind always staying in the backround with the rest of my kind I am the earth immovable and dense all things fall over me I amthe sum of my parts but most of all my soul and what of that? I am always there but I am never here what do you make of someone who is never clear I wish I could die and know what comes next but I am ignorant and chained to the fence I play their game and dance to their tune I hate myself unjustly, I am a baffoon. I emit emotions that I can't keep in tight I want to leave this body sometimes and be embraced by the light Sometimes I ask myself "why fight?" just drop dead on the ground and let nature take its course I hate dreamless nights I hate fighting life it makes me into nothing but I am everything in a different light.